"Just naturally blabby, I guess."

[kageygirl]

Rambly ramble. I suspect I'm procrastinating my ass off, which is one of the few things that gets me past feeling like a giant goober whenever I post... well, anything. ::winces::

I've been avoiding the "how I didn't do what I wanted with that story" meme like the plague, because... on some level, probably everything I've ever posted has either ended up going a different direction than I originally envisioned, or not quite done what I wanted it to do, but if I actually start breaking stories down and explaining which ones I fucked up where, maching_monkey will probably kick me in the head. Repeatedly.

Also, once something's been posted, I've essentially given up, tied a tourniquet around the wound and tried to pretend it didn't hurt. I don't really feel like picking the scab off now, and maybe that's weenie and pathetic of me, but I've been stressing over the job hunt, so I will indulge my own intransigence in this regard. *g*

Speaking of the job hunt... we are not speaking of the job hunt. Writing cover letters for jobs I don't want is giving me massive tension headaches, and when I can't even get an acknowledgement that they received my resume, let alone an interview--well, it's not doing wonders for my sense of self-worth. Moving on.

ane posted a link to some very nice Justice League slash, which, in conjunction with my picking up Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, seems to have reignited my comic-book love. I'm cyclically obsessive, I've decided; my loves may wax and wane, but they are never truly gone unless TPTB pretty much murder them. (coughEnterprisecough, coughX-Filescough). And, seriously: why did no one ever tell me that the Superman/Batman series is really Superman SLASH Batman? I mean, jeebus--Clark sometimes wants Bruce to stop the superhero gig, 'cause he's only human and could get killed so easily, and Bruce is all snarking at Clark in his head while he's trying to dig a kryptonite bullet out of his chest, bitching at Clark for not realizing his own vulnerabilities...

Now I am waiting impatiently for the next two story arcs to come out in paperback. (though my temporary obsession this second is Batman/Flash, actually. Recs? Archives? I'm rationing out Shrift and Te's stuff, for I have learned the heartbreak of sucking down all the extant fic too quickly. *g*)

Ended up in Toys R Us yesterday, hunting Justice League DVDs. This despite the fact that I loathe releases of a few eps at a time--give me full-season releases, damn you all. And I instantly turned 6.

Me: Ooh. JL action figures.
Smarter me: No. You own enough crap.
Me: But they're neat.
Smarter me: No.
Me: Look, they've bundled the ten-inch figures together, 2 for $15. They've got Batman and Flash togethe--
Smarter me: No.
Me: I could put them in suggestive poses...
Smarter me: Not enough points of articulation. Also, no. We're going over here.
Me: Star Wars Legos!!!
Smarter me: Oh, Christ. No.
Me: It's the Imperial Shuttle!
Smarter me: Step away from the display.
Me: But the Imperial Shuttle is so fucking cool! And it has 4 little Lego Stormtroopers, and 2 Lego Imperial Guards! Plus the Lego Emperor and Lego Darth Vader and Lego Random Imperial Officer guy!
Smarter me: It's $50. No.
Me: Fine. But look--Swing Kids on DVD for $8! Wilson and Batman and gay Nazi-opposing dancing!
Smarter me: OK. Fine. Whatever. Yes, you can have that.
Me: Ooh! Dark chocolate peanut M&M's!
Smarter me: Oh, fuck me.

The comic-book love is also making me ponder the novel again. (In my head, part of me has just fallen over laughing hysterically, because in what universe do I have that kind of time? I'm not now doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Also, it's completely unmarketable and without redeeming social value. Go me!)

Of course, god forbid this temporary obsessive flare would oh, say, knock out the SGA obsession. Hell, no, that's still going insanely strong. Am trying to finish this thing that I've been working on since fucking November for the Kink/Cliche Challenge. I think it's officially my porniest fic ever. ::weak, MP-&-the-Holy-Grail-esque "yay":: Also, probably heinously cliche-riddled, but, see challenge. Not that all the cliches are the ones I was assigned or anything, but I can pretend.

And I have to finish this before I am allowed to work on the damn stupid omfg, WHY do you do this to yourself? grad student thing. Which is going to kill me dead, I can tell now. Though that may just be because I have developed a conviction that I cannot plot, because Plot Is Scary. *g*

In addition to the spirit-crushingness of the job hunt, which makes me want to wrap my arms around my knees and rock back and forth on the couch, whimpering occasionally, my work computer spent Wednesday through Friday in various states of not-working/blowed-upedness, so I have fallen all behind on LJ and been very hit-or-miss with responding to people and following intriguing conversations. Sigh.

And now, I think I need oatmeal.

Comments

[rosewildeirish.livejournal.com]

Looking for a job sucks. From the sound of things, you still have a job at the moment? Which is both good and bad. Thing I've found is, the Black Hole Your Resume Falls Into is a common state nowadays. It's just a sign of the times, and not a particularly good one, either. Many very talented people are in the same boat - and quite frankly, I can't see that any employer wouldn't realize what strengths and good points you have, so I'm hoping for a quick turnaround of fortune for you. :) But in any case, don't take it as a failing on your part when that happens. It's not you. It's the state of the world (and workforce) today.

Kind of kills me to hear you speak of your writing that way, though. I adore what you do and how you phrase things, and the idea that what you post is in any way a failure in your mind...man, that's a kick in the gut to me, because the reaction I have to your writing is something I aspire to instill in my own. If that makes sense. If not, well, brain has been shut off due to back pain for most of the day and is reluctant to start now. *g* Suffice to say, I love your stuff. Massively.

[kageygirl.livejournal.com]

the Black Hole Your Resume Falls Into is a common state nowadays.

I've kind of been hoping that was the case, and that it wasn't just me, so that's good to hear. *g* Yeah, I still have my current job--the funny thing is, I'm almost unfireable because they've let so many people go, but the job itself is just badness.

man, that's a kick in the gut to me

I'm sorry! I'm definitely down on myself because of the job thing--it's not that I feel like a total loser failure (well, most of the time it's not), I just rarely seem to end up doing what I'd planned to do at the start, which makes me feel odd and, uh, like I can't plan well. Or something. But thank you, really, and I didn't mean to make anyone else feel bad, honest. I'm so much more harsh a critic of myself than I am of anyone else, ever.

[rosewildeirish.livejournal.com]

It's not just you. In fact, my current theory is that in this age of sue-happy folks, employers have lost the ability to recognize good people...or at least have no idea how to handle them. Slacker, crappy employees, now, those they know how to deal with. ;)

Rarely seming to end up doing what you planned happens to me, too. I figure it's part of the journey of writing, and probably a sign of good writing (I hope) because it means the story takes on a life of its own. It's no longer 'yours'; it belongs to itself. And I think everyone is their own worst critic; you're in with a few other really topnotch writers whose stuff I love, who keep talking about how much they hate their own stuff or how it frustrates them or isn't what they want it to be. Which is puzzling as I love the stuff you and they post, and it's irritating, because I don't think I'm at that same leve and would like to be, and frustrating because I feel like it's now my duty to make you (and the rest of 'em) see how much of an impact their writing has. *g*