Don't freakin' challenge me...
Sep. 22nd, 2004 01:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kageygirlYeah, I'm still trying to goad ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kylielee1000 with bad Atlantis McKay fic. Because, dammit, she should write more. Heh.
Do you know that there are levels and levels of deliberate badfic? I didn't actually realize until I tried it. There's the whole question of proper punctuation and grammar, for starters. Then there's "exactly how much do I castrate the characters?" And "how hysterical should I make the inner monologue?" And so on, and so on.
I actually had to eviscerate this a LOT, because my internal defense mechanisms kept interjecting snarky self-conscious bits. It's hard to be that earnest in something so very wrong! I apologize in advance, because the "oh god, it burns" version is funnier than this. As is the MST3K verson.
So, yes. Badfic. Wrongfic. Verybadwrongfic. And it still might not be sincere enough forkylielee1000. And yet? It could have been worse. But I'm not going out drinking until tonight, so this is as bad as I could get without anesthesia.
Sheppard finally found him in the desalination control room. The air was heavy with the tang of salt.
He would have passed right by McKay, if the life-signs detector he carried hadn't shown a single, unmoving dot. The scientist was sitting on the floor behind a tangled mass of piping, head resting on his crossed arms, knees bent to his chest.
Sheppard couldn't see his face, but the flag on his sleeve looked dusty in the dark corner. The maple leaf was dulled to the color of dried blood.
He knelt down beside McKay, resting a knee on the chilly floor. He wasn't even sure that McKay knew he was there, but when he reached out a hand to McKay's heaving shoulder, the scientist twitched violently away from him.
"Don't." McKay's voice was muted and slightly hoarse. "Don't touch me."
"OK." Sheppard pulled his hand back slowly, and sat down beside McKay, movements deliberate as if he were dealing with a wounded animal. Which didn't seem far from the truth. "No touching. But--you wanna tell me what this is about?"
"Why should I?" McKay sniffled, then gave a heavy sigh. "You don't really care."
Sheppard felt his forehead crease with confusion. "Why would you think that?"
"Because none of you do. Everyone here hates me."
The bitterness in McKay's voice made Sheppard's throat tighten. "Rodney, that's not true." He resisted the urge to reach out to the other man again, instead smoothing his hand along his pants leg.
"No? They think I'm an asshole, or a joke, or both. I'm useful if Kavanaugh's not around, or Zel-whatever-it-is, the Czech--as long as no one has to talk to me." McKay finally lifted his head and stared at Sheppard. The tear tracks on his face outlined a lifetime's worth of pain. "I thought it would be different here. Go to a new galaxy, make a fresh start. But it's just like it always was. No one here wants to have anything to do with me." He swiped angrily at his cheeks with the sleeve of his jacket.
Sheppard turned so that he faced McKay more directly. "I'm here, aren't I?"
McKay huffed out a disbelieving breath. "I'm sure you drew the short straw, Major."
"I'm here by my own choice, Rodney." He gave McKay a long, serious look, trying to connect with him.
McKay shook his head harshly and turned away. "That's right--you're the hero. You get to do things like that. I'm the screw-up, the one who needs to be rescued."
"Rodney--" Sheppard sighed. "Tell me what happened."
Mckay sniffed and rubbed a hand over his mouth, still not looking at Sheppard. "Lieutenant Henderson threatened to break off my arm and feed it to me if I came near her again."
Anger flared brightly in Sheppard's chest, but he forced it down, kept his tone even. "Rodney, I'm afraid of Henderson. She's got forearms like a pro wrestler."
Rodney slapped both hands down on the deck beside him. "She's just the latest, OK? And I'm tired of it, so I give up."
"Hey, it's OK." Sheppard took a chance and reached out for McKay again. The muscles of his shoulder were rigid under Sheppard's hand, but McKay didn't pull away again. "Why don't you come on back with me, and we'll talk this out somewhere more comfortable?"
McKay turned back to him, eyes shadowed and lost. "Why should I? No one there wants me."
Sheppard held his breath, then blew it out slowly. He brought his other hand up to cup McKay's cheek. "I want you, Rodney."
McKay gaped at him a moment. "You--you do?"
"Yes, I do." Sheppard forced a smile, though his heart was hammering with the enormity of having finally said it. "And I don't give a damn what any of the rest of them think." He drew McKay towards him and brushed his lips across the scientist's in the barest promise of greater things to come. "So come back with me, OK? Because this cold floor is starting to make my ass hurt."
McKay looked stunned. "OK." He repeated it to himself as he stood, as if he was learning a word for the first time. "OK. OK."
Sheppard stood up as well, placing a hand on the small of McKay's back to guide him from the room. "OK." As the door opened, a freshening breeze blew in off the ocean, and Sheppard took a deep, cleansing breath.
Yeah. It was gonna be OK.
Oh, that's foul. And it should have been funnier. The universe has already begun to punish me, because I brought the wrong kind of soup for lunch today. Campbell's Mexican Style Fiesta "taco flavored [sic] soup with beef & pasta"? Ugh.
kylielee1000 with bad Atlantis McKay fic. Because, dammit, she should write more. Heh. Do you know that there are levels and levels of deliberate badfic? I didn't actually realize until I tried it. There's the whole question of proper punctuation and grammar, for starters. Then there's "exactly how much do I castrate the characters?" And "how hysterical should I make the inner monologue?" And so on, and so on.
I actually had to eviscerate this a LOT, because my internal defense mechanisms kept interjecting snarky self-conscious bits. It's hard to be that earnest in something so very wrong! I apologize in advance, because the "oh god, it burns" version is funnier than this. As is the MST3K verson.
So, yes. Badfic. Wrongfic. Verybadwrongfic. And it still might not be sincere enough for
kylielee1000. And yet? It could have been worse. But I'm not going out drinking until tonight, so this is as bad as I could get without anesthesia.Sheppard finally found him in the desalination control room. The air was heavy with the tang of salt.
He would have passed right by McKay, if the life-signs detector he carried hadn't shown a single, unmoving dot. The scientist was sitting on the floor behind a tangled mass of piping, head resting on his crossed arms, knees bent to his chest.
Sheppard couldn't see his face, but the flag on his sleeve looked dusty in the dark corner. The maple leaf was dulled to the color of dried blood.
He knelt down beside McKay, resting a knee on the chilly floor. He wasn't even sure that McKay knew he was there, but when he reached out a hand to McKay's heaving shoulder, the scientist twitched violently away from him.
"Don't." McKay's voice was muted and slightly hoarse. "Don't touch me."
"OK." Sheppard pulled his hand back slowly, and sat down beside McKay, movements deliberate as if he were dealing with a wounded animal. Which didn't seem far from the truth. "No touching. But--you wanna tell me what this is about?"
"Why should I?" McKay sniffled, then gave a heavy sigh. "You don't really care."
Sheppard felt his forehead crease with confusion. "Why would you think that?"
"Because none of you do. Everyone here hates me."
The bitterness in McKay's voice made Sheppard's throat tighten. "Rodney, that's not true." He resisted the urge to reach out to the other man again, instead smoothing his hand along his pants leg.
"No? They think I'm an asshole, or a joke, or both. I'm useful if Kavanaugh's not around, or Zel-whatever-it-is, the Czech--as long as no one has to talk to me." McKay finally lifted his head and stared at Sheppard. The tear tracks on his face outlined a lifetime's worth of pain. "I thought it would be different here. Go to a new galaxy, make a fresh start. But it's just like it always was. No one here wants to have anything to do with me." He swiped angrily at his cheeks with the sleeve of his jacket.
Sheppard turned so that he faced McKay more directly. "I'm here, aren't I?"
McKay huffed out a disbelieving breath. "I'm sure you drew the short straw, Major."
"I'm here by my own choice, Rodney." He gave McKay a long, serious look, trying to connect with him.
McKay shook his head harshly and turned away. "That's right--you're the hero. You get to do things like that. I'm the screw-up, the one who needs to be rescued."
"Rodney--" Sheppard sighed. "Tell me what happened."
Mckay sniffed and rubbed a hand over his mouth, still not looking at Sheppard. "Lieutenant Henderson threatened to break off my arm and feed it to me if I came near her again."
Anger flared brightly in Sheppard's chest, but he forced it down, kept his tone even. "Rodney, I'm afraid of Henderson. She's got forearms like a pro wrestler."
Rodney slapped both hands down on the deck beside him. "She's just the latest, OK? And I'm tired of it, so I give up."
"Hey, it's OK." Sheppard took a chance and reached out for McKay again. The muscles of his shoulder were rigid under Sheppard's hand, but McKay didn't pull away again. "Why don't you come on back with me, and we'll talk this out somewhere more comfortable?"
McKay turned back to him, eyes shadowed and lost. "Why should I? No one there wants me."
Sheppard held his breath, then blew it out slowly. He brought his other hand up to cup McKay's cheek. "I want you, Rodney."
McKay gaped at him a moment. "You--you do?"
"Yes, I do." Sheppard forced a smile, though his heart was hammering with the enormity of having finally said it. "And I don't give a damn what any of the rest of them think." He drew McKay towards him and brushed his lips across the scientist's in the barest promise of greater things to come. "So come back with me, OK? Because this cold floor is starting to make my ass hurt."
McKay looked stunned. "OK." He repeated it to himself as he stood, as if he was learning a word for the first time. "OK. OK."
Sheppard stood up as well, placing a hand on the small of McKay's back to guide him from the room. "OK." As the door opened, a freshening breeze blew in off the ocean, and Sheppard took a deep, cleansing breath.
Yeah. It was gonna be OK.
Oh, that's foul. And it should have been funnier. The universe has already begun to punish me, because I brought the wrong kind of soup for lunch today. Campbell's Mexican Style Fiesta "taco flavored [sic] soup with beef & pasta"? Ugh.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Bwa ha ha ha
Date: 2004-09-22 11:56 am (UTC)And I loved how Shep used the people-finder to figure out where Rodney is. If that's not love, it's damn close. ;->
No, no, to *really* make it bad, you needed Shep to be all alpha-male and "Me Tarzan"-esque, and for Rodney to reveal he's a virgin.
So, my deepest appologies my darling, but you're a failure at writing bad fic. I hope you can live with yourself.
Leah
Re: Bwa ha ha ha
Date: 2004-09-22 12:25 pm (UTC)Well, fuck. I give up. It's back to actual fics for you to beta, I suppose.
I'm telling you, I had to fight to make it not like unto the great unfinished Lamo fic.
"The scientist was sitting on the floor behind a tangled mass of piping, head resting on his crossed arms, knees bent to his chest. It reminded Sheppard of the kind of position a thirteen-year-old girl would assume. Also, he was impressed that McKay was that flexible."
LAMO!
Date: 2004-09-24 01:36 pm (UTC)The scientist was sitting on the floor behind a tangled mass of piping, head resting on his crossed arms, knees bent to his chest. It reminded Sheppard of the kind of position a thirteen-year-old girl would assume. Also, he was impressed that McKay was that flexible.
LMAO. Oh, go ahead. Use it. Please. I beg you.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-22 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-22 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-22 04:07 pm (UTC)I could tell you were trying hard for bad!fic. Still, I rather enjoyed the whole Henderson dialogue. And the cold floor making Sheppard's ass hurt. And the ok at the end. In true bad!fic, his ass would tingle with desire and they'd have sex right there (perhaps using the pipe grease as lubricant?), which would be the bestest sex ever. And then they'd declare ever-lasting love. And possibly become telepathically linked. Or McKay would get knocked up. One or the other.
So, you know, not really bad!fic but kudos for trying to over-come your inner writer. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-22 07:46 pm (UTC)Sigh.
I suppose it's up to me, eh?
Unless the threat alone is enough to make Kylie put out...
Better...better...
Date: 2004-09-23 03:46 am (UTC)Obviously, you're going to have to keep hacking at this badfic thing. Your inherent inability to add in typos and strange punctuation thingies works against you here.
The maple leaf was dulled to the color of dried blood.
See, this needs to be literal to be really badfic. Stop with the metaphors! Stop! Lit. Er. Al.
The tear tracks on his face outlined a lifetime's worth of pain.
and
He drew McKay towards him and brushed his lips across the scientist's in the barest promise of greater things to come.
Much better! This kind of tender overwroughtness needs to be played up, perhaps by following Sheppard's internal POV as he thinks about how much he'd like to take McKay in his arms and make all the pain go away.
But the pain for the reader? Clearly just beginning.
Keep working at it! It's not quite enough to make me retch, and therefore not quite enough to drive me to write.
Oh, hey, tunes
Date: 2004-09-23 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-15 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-15 10:25 pm (UTC)Holy Mother Of God
Date: 2006-03-30 07:48 am (UTC)